Weddings, Cookies, and Panic Attacks

Last night we attended a wedding and for the first time in my life I actually had to remove myself from the crowd because I felt the possibility of a first time ever panic attack brewing. I love crowds. I love New York City on New Years Eve. I love shopping on the day after thanksgiving. I love airports and hospitals because I love the hustle and bustle of people. Maybe that is just it. There was no hustling and bustling because there was no room to hustle and bustle. Instead there were too many people in a round room all nudging each other to get to the food stations and the bar. I was cold (who in their right mind has an outdoor ceremony in October?) and hungry and just wanted to grab a plate of food and go sit in this quiet little area that Philip and I had scoped out. Luckily it was only Philip and his best friend, Dave, who probably wanted to run himself, who overheard my panicked "I can't do this...I'll be in the other room." So I went and sat in the other room to catch my breath. My dear husband joined me quickly and we sat until the other room had calmed down enough for us to at least get a little bit of food. I must say though that once I was able to really look around, the reception site was lovely, the food wonderful, and the liquor very interesting for a wedding reception (flavored rums and vodkas, decent wine, import beer). And as we exited for the evening, we grabbed very cute cookie favors from the foyer table. I saved mine for dessert for tonight. It turned out to be amazing...one of the very best cookies I think I've ever put in my mouth. I went to the website where the cookies came from and it cost $2.50. I will say it was worth every penny of that $2.50. I like a good cookie, don't get me wrong, but cookies are not my thing. Cake is my thing and the wedding cake last night was definitely above average but I must say this cookie was far superior to the cake. I'm still a bit shocked to say that but it is true. A cookie actually trumped a cake. I never thought it would happen to me. But I must say it was a fantastic end to the weekend.

Friendships

I've hit a place in my lie where I realize that I've let all of my friendships fall by the wasteside. Does this happen to everyone? Do husbands replace girlfriends? Phil has become my best friend. I wanted that to happen. I'm thankful that that happened. But it is still not the same. I know couples who have couple friends and go to dinner regularly and do activities together. I want that but I don't know how to get that. Actually what I think I truly want is that one or two girlfriends who you talk to every other day and you go shopping together or go to the gym together. I have those girlfriends but they just aren't in Memphis. Jess was the closest thing I had to that in a very long time but she moved away. I have girlfriends in Memphis but I feel like we are all going in different directions. And most of the girlfriends I have left in Memphis, I really never was that kind of girlfriend with. MC and I were that way. Janet and I were that way. Jenn and I were that way. Kelli and I were that way. Tonya and I would be that way if we lived in the same city. I'm just afraid I'm wanting something that doesn't exist anymore. Or maybe it exists after you have kids and you make friends with your kid's friend's parents. But I feel though that if I can't even create a social life for me and Phil, how can I create one for a child? Maybe I'll get hired by an amazing school where I can create a new social network for myself. Maybe I'll find it in my classes at CBU. Maybe it really doesn't exist.

Looking back

People used to tell me that I should write a book about my life because I've had so many mountains to overcome along the way. But looking back now, they only seem like bumps in the road. I have a friend whose daughter mysteriously became very ill and, although the prognosis is now good, she will spend months in rehabilitation to relearn how to walk and talk. I can't imagine what that must be like for my friend and her family. I feel very blessed to have the things I have now. My life is as it is today is not hard. I wake up each morning to a man who loves me and to the cutest dachshund in the world. I have food and shelter. I have money to pay bills even though we only have one income coming in right now. I have goals and dreams and a positive outlook on the future. And that nagging feeling of guilt that I once carried with me is almost entirely gone. I feel as though it is the first time in my life that I can truly say that I can see where I've been and can see where I'm going. It feels good. I do still occasionally have to supress the jaded part of me that wonders when the next battle will begin but for now I'm enjoying the peaceful spot that I am currently in. And I pray that someday my friend will be able to be in a peaceful spot as well.

Settling in...

I am completing my first class towards my ultimate goal this week. It went by much more quickly than I ever imagined, granted it was just a four week class. But this week brings another milestone, my 8th week without employment. Eight weeks. That is the longest I've gone without employment in 7 years. It has been a challenging experience for me. I am the most structured person I know yet I have no structure to my days. I'm energized by social interaction yet I go days without seeing anyone but Phil. Nothing gets done yet there is everything to do. I never want to be a stay at home wife. If Phil made a million dollars a year, I would choose to work. I tried to write a paper for class today and only got to page 3. I spent 8 hours getting up and down from my seat writing a sentence here or there in between putting clean clothes away, doing dishes, and going to the post office. I need pressure in order to write. There is no pressure. Tomorrow I have 8 hours, wednesday I have 8 hours, thursday I have 8 hours, and friday I have 8 hours. Every day I have 8 hours. I don't have enough to fill my 8 hours yet I don't have enough structure to figure out what to put in the remaining hours. I'm one of those weird people who the busier I am the more I do. I feel so frazzled all the time now because I have no structure that I get nothing done. I can list now a ton of things I could do...paint, visit a museum, mow the lawn, plant a garden, look for a job. But when those empty moments of time come, I can't figure out what to do. And because I have so much time, I tend to stretch things out so it feels as if I have no time when really I have 40 solid hours a week for which I have nothing to do. I'm not too busy, I just have poor time management. And because I'm a severly structured person in an unstructured environment, I'm lost. Maybe I will find my way soon.

Life goes on....

I borrowed this quote from Irish Clover's blog and I believe she borrowed it from her Starbuck's cup. But it is very fitting for where I am in my career or rather the career I just left behind.

"Failure's hard, but success is far more dangerous. If you're successful at the wrong thing, the mix of praise and money and opportunity can lock you in."~ Po Bronson

I thought I had escaped it all when I left Strayer but I felt locked in at CBU as well. It was time for it all to end and for me to do what I know in my heart I need to do regardless of the financial end of it. I am more excited about the future than I have been in a very long time. I anticipate it will be overwhelming and scary and fulfilling and energizing all at the same time. But most of all it will be right. I know where I need to be now. And I also know that if I had actually listened to God all the other times he put this in my head, I would not appreciate it as much as I will now. I would still love it but I would not appreciate it....big difference.

What day is it?

As many may already know, I'm getting laid off on May 31. I've known for many months but the day is soon approaching. I've been "working from home" a lot lately as I have very little work to do and have adjusted quite nicely to the extra time...I cook more, I clean more, I paint more....except for one aspect; I never know what day it is anymore. I'm so used to being scheduled that I actually have to stop and think about what the actual day of the week is. It might be different if I was home the exact same days each week but sometimes I take a Monday, sometimes a Tuesday, etc...basically depending on what is going on in the office and what is going on at home. I'm beginning to wonder what will happen when I have no job to go to. At least now I have some sort of gauge, even if not always consistant. I have but one other fear about being unemployed and that is that I will be trapped in my house because I'll be too poor to do what I'd normally do when I need to get out of the house....go shopping, go out to eat with a friend, etc. I'll have to get creative. But in the meantime I'm shopping more and eating out with friends more just in case it ceases to exist in a few weeks.

And I painted, and I painted, and I painted some more

Yesterday I spent the day painting. When I say "the day", I mean the whole day. I started around 9:30a and ended around 4:30p and then still walked in and out of my art room checking on my creations until I finally went to bed. I had so much energy at the end of the day that I was antsy and didn't want to sit down. I then proceeded to cook dinner and finally sat down around 7:30 to watch TV with Phil and Sophie. I'd forgotten what it felt like to do something you love all day. I now know that my newly acquired career goals in life are truly what I need to do.